Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Celeb Secrets Revealed - India's most famous plastic surgery



It was a day in the year 2500 BC - A fine evening worthy of merriment. However on this day, one man was unusually perturbed. He entered a relatively desolate lane of his town and stepped into a murky looking store. The board read "A-1 Clinic".

"I wanted to enquire about your plastic surgery services."

The surgeon observed that the man enquring was peculiar - his eyes a bit hazy, and some overdose of Ponds Dream Talc. There were some odd tattoos and skull accessories, but nothing too different from his usual clientele.

"Well we do a whole range of services - transplants, nose jobs, plumping. And it'll all be very discreet.... Is this about your blue neck? We can touch up and get rid of that right away".

"Thanks. The blue neck happened after amm...one crazy night I had with my head banging mountain boys. But that's not why I am here."

"Oh. So how can I help?"

"This is actually for my teenage son. What's your expertise in facial surgery"

"Well teenagers are our specialty. What is this about? Simple acne? Or some bigger fix on the face like the nose or eyes?

"How about the whole head?"

"The whole head?"

"Yes. You see, My son and I were having an argument and I accidentally chopped off his head...It's all a bit fuzzy...Anyway, I wanted to check if you do any head replacements."

"Sure we can. Where is your son right now. We can get started right away."

"He's strolling in a nearby mall. I've left him in this kids play area so he doesn't  bump into something which might you know..injure him. Although I think he's terrified all the other toddlers out there."

"That's not unusual. Some of our plastic surgery patients handled at night turn out to be quite scary. We will go with your guidance then. Would you say he's medium size?"

"I would play safe and go with XXXL. He's not been watching his diet too well since..well since birth."

The surgeon considered the XXXL request for a second.

"Well we do have some fresh stock. How keen are you for your son to retain his original look?"

"Actually I am quite hazy about his original appearance - I usually spend my days on the top of Mount Kailash. I am into Yoga nowadays."

"I see. Well, the head replacement I had in mind will work great for your XXXL son. Firstly, he'll have great memory. The nose is a bit obtuse - I mean, not like (insert racist comment) people. But slightly better. Would that be ok?

"Yes sure."

"He may also require some dental work at a later date, his canine teeth are a bit out there. But we will give you a voucher so you can try out our partner firm A-1 Dental Services".

"That's great. So can you wrap this up quickly? I need to be home for dinner in a couple of hours."

"This shouldn't take more than an hour. You can get your son in now. If you want to kill time you can head to a Family Restaurant nearby."

"Is it a Family restaurant and BAR?"

"Yes?"

"BAR with Smoking?"

"Yes. But then you can't sit in the family section".

"OK. What if I want to boogie?"

"With that outfit, I don't think anyone will stop you."

"Sweet. I'll see you later."

6 hours later the man floats back to the clinic - "Wow that party was awesome! Did I forget something here?"

"You were supposed to pick up your son a while ago. He's sitting outside and is quite hungry. I suggest you buy some ladoos along the way."

He walks back home with his son.

"Dad, what happened to you?"

"I don't remember. Did something happen to you? You look different."

"I don't remember either."

"Hmm...I thought this was supposed to be the start of good times.."

A week later another man walks into A-1 clinic and asks for the surgeon.

"My friend told me you can do some real magic with head plastic surgery. He had one replaced. I actually would like to have some removed."

"Yes of course we can help you. Your name please?

"Brahma".

(Inspired by "true" events, and our Indian PM's blurred understanding of mythology and science)


If you liked this you may also like to read:
Mangalyaan: A Guide to countering Mangal Dosh via Lord Hanuman
The Source of Atheism
So what do you call him?