Saturday, November 08, 2014

The Worst Time to Be a Kid in India

Dear Kids,

There was a simpler time for parents and kids in India, when a fond ritual was followed every day. Early in the morning Mothers would leave milk to boil, while trying to wake up resistant, drooling, sleepy kids. After dragging their bums to the dining table, moms would attempt to give the kids a healthy start to the day with milk. To camouflage the unpalatable stench of freshly heated milk, mothers would mix something chocolaty in it. Children would gulp down the glass and that was it.

Sigh...Apparently it's no longer enough for the milk to taste good; Over time the chocolaty thingies have morphed into agents of good, promising an unhealthy dose of competitive streak, making the world of kids closer to a rat race than it already is. This is grave warning for you - here are those terrifying commercials currently on air. For the sake of your future, if you see your parents watching these accidentally on TV, change the channel immediately!

First on the list is Complan (#KhaataKyaHai ).

The product promises to trigger abnormal growth and catapult you right to the front of the school drill,  where obviously as the school pet you'll get to wave an embarrassing flag while parents wildly cheer you. Consequently bullies will pick on you and the whole class will despise you for being a smug jackass. Where are the options for the lazy kids who'd rather sit raking up scores on Temple Run than run?  Thanks Complan - because of the disproportionate growth triggered by you all the Complan Boys are all going to have ruined childhoods.

Second on the list is Boost (#NoHashTag)
Boost was best known for squeaky Sachin Tendulkar, who etched the soprano tagline into everyone's brains -  "Boost is the secret of my energy". That's basically what we expected to happen: Kids getting an absurd shot of sugar high energy, and punching their friends, scraping their knees till their glucose levels would come crashing down. However with the new formula for Boost, you are signing for a long term plan - an unimaginable 120 days of hard labour, like a gym membership which causes grave regret after 24 hours. Anything less than 120 days of Boost consumption will lead to squat. On the 120th day, you'll get an alien like glow from within and grow in height. At least they are not thrusting a flag in your hands...

Last one is Bournvita (#TaiyaariJeetKi)

The scariest of the lot is Bournvita, which is meant exclusively for tiger moms who would probably lead agitations in India to make the JEEs 'more' competitive. As a kid, if you are included in the Bournvita group, prepare to become a hoodie wearing, rocky style boxer. You'll need to drop out of school and voluntarily get punched in the face. While other kids will be building sandcastles, you'll be punching the sand instead. As you face punches, your mom will have a content look on her face being reminded of the Thank you Mom P&G ad (The hardest job in the world is the best job in the world), not realizing that getting whacked in a boxing ring is way harder than being a mom.

Kids, I think you'll to make some hard choices right now - You may give up the whole sugary taste and resign to having just plain milk. Enduring those torturous few minutes in the morning is better than being unpopular in school, slogging for 120 days or getting punched in the face.

Or you could trust this Doctor, who otherwise is known for being a fool in the movie 3 idiots, and use what's being recommended in this commercial.

We are not clear on the details, but it does promise to make you Taller, Stronger, Sharper.

Horlicks Team

p.s: Dear Nestle, Cadburys, GSK - I may work for your organizations some day. Please forgive any transgressions.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Celeb Secrets Revealed - India's most famous plastic surgery

It was a day in the year 2500 BC - A fine evening worthy of merriment. However on this day, one man was unusually perturbed. He entered a relatively desolate lane of his town and stepped into a murky looking store. The board read "A-1 Clinic".

"I wanted to enquire about your plastic surgery services."

The surgeon observed that the man enquring was peculiar - his eyes a bit hazy, and some overdose of Ponds Dream Talc. There were some odd tattoos and skull accessories, but nothing too different from his usual clientele.

"Well we do a whole range of services - transplants, nose jobs, plumping. And it'll all be very discreet.... Is this about your blue neck? We can touch up and get rid of that right away".

"Thanks. The blue neck happened after crazy night I had with my head banging mountain boys. But that's not why I am here."

"Oh. So how can I help?"

"This is actually for my teenage son. What's your expertise in facial surgery"

"Well teenagers are our specialty. What is this about? Simple acne? Or some bigger fix on the face like the nose or eyes?

"How about the whole head?"

"The whole head?"

"Yes. You see, My son and I were having an argument and I accidentally chopped off his head...It's all a bit fuzzy...Anyway, I wanted to check if you do any head replacements."

"Sure we can. Where is your son right now. We can get started right away."

"He's strolling in a nearby mall. I've left him in this kids play area so he doesn't  bump into something which might you know..injure him. Although I think he's terrified all the other toddlers out there."

"That's not unusual. Some of our plastic surgery patients handled at night turn out to be quite scary. We will go with your guidance then. Would you say he's medium size?"

"I would play safe and go with XXXL. He's not been watching his diet too well since..well since birth."

The surgeon considered the XXXL request for a second.

"Well we do have some fresh stock. How keen are you for your son to retain his original look?"

"Actually I am quite hazy about his original appearance - I usually spend my days on the top of Mount Kailash. I am into Yoga nowadays."

"I see. Well, the head replacement I had in mind will work great for your XXXL son. Firstly, he'll have great memory. The nose is a bit obtuse - I mean, not like (insert racist comment) people. But slightly better. Would that be ok?

"Yes sure."

"He may also require some dental work at a later date, his canine teeth are a bit out there. But we will give you a voucher so you can try out our partner firm A-1 Dental Services".

"That's great. So can you wrap this up quickly? I need to be home for dinner in a couple of hours."

"This shouldn't take more than an hour. You can get your son in now. If you want to kill time you can head to a Family Restaurant nearby."

"Is it a Family restaurant and BAR?"


"BAR with Smoking?"

"Yes. But then you can't sit in the family section".

"OK. What if I want to boogie?"

"With that outfit, I don't think anyone will stop you."

"Sweet. I'll see you later."

6 hours later the man floats back to the clinic - "Wow that party was awesome! Did I forget something here?"

"You were supposed to pick up your son a while ago. He's sitting outside and is quite hungry. I suggest you buy some ladoos along the way."

He walks back home with his son.

"Dad, what happened to you?"

"I don't remember. Did something happen to you? You look different."

"I don't remember either."

"Hmm...I thought this was supposed to be the start of good times.."

A week later another man walks into A-1 clinic and asks for the surgeon.

"My friend told me you can do some real magic with head plastic surgery. He had one replaced. I actually would like to have some removed."

"Yes of course we can help you. Your name please?


(Inspired by "true" events, and our Indian PM's blurred understanding of mythology and science)

If you liked this you may also like to read:
Mangalyaan: A Guide to countering Mangal Dosh via Lord Hanuman
The Source of Atheism
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