Tuesday, October 28, 2008

And I crap you not...

Title inspired by Barney's line in How I Met Your Mother

Prerna and I visited the Night Safari (at Singapore) last week. Thanks to Halloween celebrations and interesting animal shows, the event was enjoyable. But if I were to single out the best element,it would have to be Clint - the tour guide on the night safari tram. He possessed a dubious accent - Singaporean base splattered with French tones, some American touches and that secret ingredient. He had some rehearsed puns and witty lines for most descriptions en route. They evoked strong silent reactions from the tourists. The animals seemed to know the punchlines, so they didn't time their laughter properly. I have attempted to do an impression of Clint in the audio clip below. If you possess speakers and an appetite for derision, do play it. (Transcript also provided here as an alternative.)


"And to your right, lies the Asian Elephant, weighing not ONE, not TWO, but THREE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED KILOS. That's right THREE.. THOUSAND...FIVE. ...HUNDRED. ..KILOS. The Asian Elephant eats upto 250 kilos of leaves and grass ....Of course...what goes in, must come out too. Every day, the elephant releases more than 90 kilos of dung. That's more than what I weigh...Isn't that something!"
We have witnessed monkeys smelling their own butt on youtube, dogs peeing in the neighbourhood to establish superiority. But I have never heard any human being compare himself to an enormous pile of shit. Inevitably, we laughed out loud. And to make things worse, I attempted not to giggle. After that moment, every animal on exhibit and its ancestral roots seemed like crap. The lions and hyenas possessed some exceptionally quiet demeanor. But thanks to Clint's shitty wit, we provided some compensatory snorts and rumbling for the rest of the tour.

Clint's comment reminded me of an old Dilbert blog post. It was removed from there sometime ago, but I managed to find it within my chat logs (thank you Google!). I didn't know poop could find connections at multiple levels.
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Now that's a Party

Did you read about the six beer-drinking elephants in India? The elephants found drums of fermenting rice beer on a farm, partied too hard, then uprooted utility poles and electrocuted themselves. The fascinating part is that because they are elephants, they still remember that night.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21432722/?GT1=10450

My first reaction to that story was, "I'll have what they're having!" You don't get to use that joke often, and I don't like to miss an opportunity.

I'm no marketing expert, but if I were the farmer whose beer they drank, I'd start calling it "Shocking Elephant" and I'd design the coolest beer bottles ever. They'd be in the shape of an elephant with his trunk straight out, and that's the part you would drink from.

On the back label, I'd include a handy guide to what level of stupid you could expect after consuming each bottle. At the top of the scale, after ten bottles, you would have "probable accidental electrocution." At the bottom of the scale, after drinking one elephant or two, the problems would be "Thinking you are witty" and "Mild attraction to your friend's mom."

As I understand it, when you get electrocuted, it makes you crap. Imagine being the first person to find these six dead elephants, in 40 tons of elephant poop, wrapped in live power cables. I would dive into the bushes and hope no one saw me. My fear would be that my neighbor who owns the land might say, "Can you help me clean this up?"

They say there's a tool for everything, but I checked my toolkit, and there's nothing there for cleaning up six electrocuted elephants in a mountain of shit. How do you even approach this problem? Do you wait for them to harden, then cut them up with chainsaws, put them in plastic garbage bags and distribute them to dumpsters all over town?

In the short run, you could charge admission to see the six dead elephants. I'd pay a rupee or two for that. I might even take the kids. There aren't many things the whole family can enjoy, but I'm pretty sure this is one of them.

Perhaps this is why I'm not in charge of planning weekends.


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(Speaking of Crap)Answer to The Package

The object in the previous post was a cookie. Wrapped meticulously in rounded rectangular packages, it possessed copious amounts of oriental mystery. When it was received as a gift, my flatmate studied it for a while. He was burdened with unwanted flatmate insights. Mustering courage, we tasted it.
Yes. It looks like soap. But it tastes good. And it rhymes too!
Quiz winner is Akshay. Congrats :)

The Korean Cookie

4 comments:

  1. six dead elephants, in 40 tons of elephant poop

    ROFL, cracked me up!

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  2. [performs a tribal victory dance from MP!]

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  3. "But I have never heard any human being compare himself to an enormous pile of shit"
    Really funny

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  4. Forget the elephant shit...

    How and where do i redeem my 25 points? No cheating.. there was no limit defined for the guesses.

    ReplyDelete