Skip to main content

They're watching you

The annoyance has been brewing within me for almost two years. Back then, this is how I felt about Orkut -

Then there is the thing, and the other thing, next to that one. Its called Orkut ( cute...kya pyaara naam hai...just like my dog you know na...Dog, matlab Dog Biscuit..Orkut, Biskut )....See, contradictory to what many of the people think here, I believe it serves no purpose. Yes, you can still add me as a "friend", I am game. But it is pretty ridiculous. Why ? Let us analyse this sex-wise :

The Guys - See, its back to the "mine is bigger than yours" phenomenon. With Yahoo msgr, life is much easier since nobody can gauge the exact number of people added on your list. Who really wants idiots on the friends list sending the "Jai Maata Di, send this all" ? They should in fact be on the "Fry & end" list.
So, the average guy suddenly gets the invitation to join Orkut from some dude (level of friendship irrelevant, as you will see later). When he finally finishes filling up the incosequential questions and unwanted information, he lands up with a round figure of ONE as his total number of friends.
The guy panics, explores and manages to add SOME of the people he already knows..phew ! Up to a respectable 28 ! Thank God !

Then, his "friend" drops this icky-sweet testimonial on his head -- "The sweetest guy you will meet. Soooo nice, you know...great body, great butt...yes...only sometimes he gets angry...He plays guitar, squash, tennis..helps the blind and the poor". If the process of scrounging for friends was hard enough, then this was the limit. the dude has to think up something nice for him /her....The stuff out there is so cheesy, you'd think the world is made of Mother and Father Teressas (no offence).

Just bcoz u ticked an extra purpose as "dating women", no female is going to jump at you. The communities (as of now), seem dead. All you can do for timepass is look at the pretty webcam photos, and keep on adding people till you get sick of it. Some say we can use it to search for Old Friends. And I say - Bull****.

Face it boys, Foreign Middle East ki bandi nahi milegi tumhe...The Indian ones were anyway out of reach. The obsequious banter never worked in YMsgr. I have no pretty hopes for Orkut.

The Girls - Well, I am not really sure. Any fundaa I try to throw up will be squashed by everyone - 'Tujhe kya pataa ?'. As seen in most of the activities (except Gitte and Stappu), the number of females participating in Orkut are fewer.
I think with the hundred courageous guys trying to add them up in kgp itself, the other problems will seem pretty bleak...Good Friend, Best Friend, Bad Friend, Idiotic Chipku....What the hell do they mean anyway ???

After so many months of Orkuting, I've finally begun to respect this thriving system, this e-being. It has successfully delivered to me a few old school mates. Good boy ! Here's a biskut....Wait a minute...What are doing ? What is this ? ? Bad boy...Bad boy...

I hate to tell you this. But Orkut has stuck a bright light on your butt. You don't believe me, do you ? Well, here's the proof :

Do you realize the catastrophic implications of this 'development' ? My heart goes out for all my fellow Orkut creeps. There is no way they can satisfy their meandering lust anymore. One's anonymity was the greatest asset in Orkut. For a general dosage of humour, females, timepass, all we had to do was set out on an aimless journey. A bit of Brazilian beauties ; those unbelievably moronic profiles of 'Ritesh Sharma' and 'Manoj Kumar' ; That girl who might be your schoolmate (of course she is not). If the average OC (orkut creep) couldn't muster enough courage+creativity to come up with a good one-liner scrap, he could peruse the profiles, and hit again on a later day. But now, he will inevitably leave a stinky trail. He has to perform at his best. everytime. It's now or never.

Henceforth, we'll have to totally re-evaluate our Orkut paths.
- You like that female's photo album ? Well, not more than one visit per week.
- You love your cool senior's profile ? You can't land up again ! You just visited it yesterday.
- You already landed up on your friend's profile ?? Scrap ! Scrap ! That's the only way out. Who visits the neighbourhood without dropping by ? Use the standard templates -'nice pic', 'happy birthday', 'abe kya chal raha hai' ...phew !

I don't know where I am headed,
But you know where I've been,
Afreen Afreen, Afreen Afreen...

An occasional blip on a stranger's radar is acceptable. Because one does tend to lose one's way in this confusing networking system. But think carefully, before you click that familiar smiling face.

Remember : they are watching you.


  1. I was waiting for someone to come up with a take on this ridiculous new feature orkut has designed ... who better than good old iyer !! amazing stuff :)) still laughing ..

  2. Hey man...u can disable the "Profile Visitors" in your settings and remain anonymous:-)..but then u wont be able to see who visited your profile as well..

  3. This is what I meant by voluntary writing.
    (If was not, god save you)

  4. you are allowed to kill indrava for not getting the point

  5. hooohhoohahaha!!! ...and oh-so-true...what wld u do iyer...prefer to be see and be seen or hide and not bother...what option did u choose??

  6. @ramesh,aditi : thanks :)

    @ Indrava : I didn't know that till I wrote the article (worked out well for me :D )

    @ Swapnil : stop thinking WHY I've written it. Enjoy. ya gaali do. either way.

    @ Hemanth : I prefer to come up with elaborate strategies to tackle this new feature of Orkut, rather than shut it off and be done with it :)

  7. Hi..this is tdr.
    You can do this thing.
    Turn off the feature after u log-in and till so long as you are on orkut.(waking time)
    Then turn it ON before signing out, so that atleast u will be able to see who logged in when u were offline, and at the same time maintaining anonimity... huh! quite messy...right...only if one die-hard cares abt anonimity.

  8. Ignorance is bliss.

    Turn the setting off. Stalking is peaceful. Also, if there is a super creep stalking you... atleast you will not have the knowledge of it!

  9. my fan count is increasing by day after that feature was introduced. i realize today that my apparent character was very intimidating till the fellas started recording the visitors.




  11. Spotted on orkut. Now you know what I am talking about (Well, it's the reverse effect..)

    BOY : hi...........
    u view my profile but didnt even scraped do i know you.............

  12. notwithstanding watever u said
    orkut rocks ;-)
    i've even got into this habit of making the "[]" before i make a smily :-D.
    u really understand the worth of it once u are struggling to survive in the office and the bastards have blocked all teh msgrs,
    if it wasnt for orkut, i would have lost my (even the pretense of) sanity
    phew even the thought scares me

  13. good one ..add one more line ...i am competing with a friend of mine as to who gets more number of visitors/day.

  14. orkut ki jai ho....( jus made me think ... i shud search 4 u inorkut ...( ha ha ha ha )

  15. Heh.. I was thinking along the same 'stinky trail' lines [:D]

  16. :)) oh by the way i cam across your blog on orkut, while i was aimlessly passing time by jumping profile to profile.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Mangalyaan: A Guide to countering Mangal Dosh via Lord Hanuman

#Mangalyaan was a great success , thanks to the countless hours spent by the ISRO scientists who made this happen. Reports state that they prayed to Lord Balaji (Source). To hedge their risks some of them might have also prayed to Lord Hanuman to counter Mangal Dosh (Mars ill-effect) . This Hanuman prayer for protection from Mars may have helped the team enter the orbit of Mars; the jury is out on that one. Speaking of Hanuman, in the recent past there was a bizarre incident regarding an Aadhaar UID which captured people's interest briefly. Let’s talk about that. If you suspect that this #mangalyaan introduction was just a thinly veiled segue to my dated post, you are right…

A few weeks ago we learnt that an Aadhar Card was issued for Lord Hanuman with a legitimate 12 digit ID (news link) The police eventually figured out that this regressive action was conceived by a progressive person named Vikas. His intentions for applying for a fake God ID were not malicious – but rather ste…

A Review of Indian Election Inspired Advertising

It's election season in India for the past few months and the topic has dominated online and offline discussions. And when elections are the central activity / attention of the nation, as a marketeer for FMCG brands, it's quite tempting to plan creatives around the topic during the season. Over late 2013 and 2014, we have seen at least 11 Indian brands which have developed dedicated commercials around the election theme. The categories have been quite diverse from noodles to electrical wires, telecom to vests. Given the marketing investment backing these campaigns, let's try to answer the obvious question: When does it make sense to plan an election themed advertising for your brand?
The role of advertising is to 1) Get a brand noticed and 2) Refresh and improve brand association using distinctive cues. This grows brand mental salience for the consumer and hopefully then grows market share! (source). In addition to the usual advertising principles (where we assess the cre…

I'm sorry, What's your name?

I admit that we Indians do look alike. I have elaborated about this earlier, and it's a fact I've come to accept. Till recently I also had a strong belief, that once you got to know us Indians, viewed our facebook profiles, talked to us, understood our problems - you would begin to view us as distinct individuals.

All that changed yesterday.

I stood there at 4pm, fretting in front of Bread Talk, waiting for Varun. The poor guy was dragging his holiday suitcase all the way to Novena Bread Talk to pick up my house key. (Varun is the other guy in the picture - the one on the left. Yes we are not twins). Since I couldn't reach him by phone, we both could only rely on gross miscommunication for aligning on the venue and time.

Varun didn't show up for 5min. And I had an equally important chai break to attend. So right then it struck me that a standard movie ticket procedure could also work at Bread Talk.

So I went to the Bread Talk counter and waited. "Welcommmmme", al…